Midnight Thoughts

I should be sleeping, but I have so much to do there just isn't time! That, and sometimes I can't shut off my brain.

I'm worried about the next phase of JP's treatment. I am trying not to obsess about it but it is constantly on my mind and every time I think about it my chest gets tight and my heart starts beating a little faster. The next phase is called Delayed Intensification and is supposed to be pretty rough. It is similar to Induction, the first phase, but is much more intense in that there are 9 different medications he will be on and they all have their own days/schedule within this phase. 4 of these medications are new types of chemotherapy to JP - he hasn't had them before and I worry about how they will affect him. He still has all his hair, in fact we've cut it twice since the Buzz party into a "racetrack" aka a mo-hawk. He still looks like my little JP and I am scared that this next phase is going to change him into my little JP with cancer. I know that sounds weird because he has been my little JP with cancer since February, but I'm worried he's going to start looking and acting like a cancer patient and I don't know that I want to face that reality. I will, obviously because I have no choice, but we've had such a positive cancer experience thus far that I don't want it to become obvious to the world that my sweet boy is fighting cancer. The world already knows it so I don't know why that is a worry - when we go places I can hear people whispering (not very quietly) to each other "Look - that kid has cancer" or "Do you think he has cancer?" because he's wearing his mask. The first few times I noticed it I was caught off guard, had a hard time holding back tears and didn't know if I should react with a smile or nod or nothing. Now I pretend I don't hear it but every time I get a lump in my throat. I hate that he is fighting cancer. I know he has a fantastic prognosis, but that doesn't mean I'm ok with leukemia. It's still cancer.

I put together the calendar of the first 37 days of DI... I'm not sure how I'd keep it all straight if I didn't! I don't know if you can see it or not, but it's pretty involved with just a few days off here and there. Most of our Fridays will be spent at Primary Children's with the occasional Monday visit and Home Health will have to come out several times as well. Each Friday is count dependent and if he doesn't meet counts, they push us back a week to give JP more time to "recover" as they put it. Yikes. They also warned us that this is the phase where most kids are admitted for some time because they get sick and can't fight it on their own and  maybe that's why I'm so nervous. I don't want him in the hospital because that means he's sick. I want him at home because that means he's "healthy." I just need to take things one day at a time. Deep breaths...