Endless thoughts

I have a lot of time to think. Most of the time this occurs at night after Elsie has woken up to nurse and sometimes it's during the day when she's napping and JP is happy with a puzzle or his iPad. I've come to the conclusion that when I'm left alone with my thoughts it is not necessarily a good thing...

Tonight I'm sitting next to JP while everyone else is sleeping because he decided to take a nap at 7:00 tonight, woke up just before 10:00 and now I'm just waiting for the first hint of sleepyness to hit so I can get him in bed. I know, I should not have let him sleep but if you were here, you would have known that I tried not to let him - I covered him in my sheet and blanket (he hates being covered in blankets when he's sleeping). Then we let Ralphie snuggle on top of him and the blankets and nothing. He was out. Cold. Oh well, at least he is sitting next me (and my thoughts), holding my arm, and randomly telling me how much he loves me in the quiet darkness of our living room.

A lot of my thoughts come from a month ago when I was at my high school reunion. We were asked to have one person from each table come up and tell one thing we've learned about life since graduation... of course I was nominated (prior to my knowledge of what I was about to have to do) and all I said was something along the lines of make sure you have good friends and family because when bad things happen they are the ones that will hold you up - vaguely referring to our journey with JP's cancer, of course. I should have used it as an opportunity to let people know about pediatric cancer and how grossly underfunded childhood cancer research is even though it is the #1 disease killer of children, the fact that 1 in 330 children will develop cancer before the age of 19 AND that 1 in 5 of those will not survive... How is it that children are put first in our society in everything except cancer research?? It's maddening, we need to get past the idea of marketing the hope of a cure and just fund the research that will give us cures! Of course that would have been better to have said, but obviously this is a little tender and I can't even type this post without the screen getting blurry.

Anyway, I've come up with a lot of things I've learned since high school, almost all of which I have actually learned/realized in the last 6 months, not 10 years. Here's my thoughts, don't worry, it's not all of them, in no particular order:

#1: Hug your kids and tell them you love them. Every day. You never know when that opportunity may be taken from you. Make sure they know how much you love them, even if they drive you bonkers.

#2: When you have a random thought about a friend/neighbor/family member, act on it. Bake them cupcakes or call them or whatever. You may be an answer to their prayers, sometimes prayers they didn't know they were saying. I can't tell you how many times someone has knocked on my door with dinner or an offer to babysit at the exact moment I was in need. I have been so amazed at how in-tune those around me are and that has made me want to be better and help others even more.

#3: Stop gossiping, judging or making fun of other people. You don't know what load they have been asked to carry or why they say and do the things that they do. We all deal with the same things differently and your way isn't the only way. My way is. (haha, kidding of course!) Walking the halls at Primary Children's Hospital has changed my perspective on basically everything. I feel guilt, anxiety, tremendously blessed, and love all at the same time. It's hard to explain, but I've found that if I can stop talking about others and start looking at how I can serve them or help their situation be better, I feel better about my situation.

#4: Sleep as often as you can. Or stop sleeping so much so you can be productive. I'm not really sure what my stance on sleep is.

#5: Let people help you. As hard as it is, if someone offers to help you with something, you should probably just let them do it. Or offer up something else they can do instead, because they will keep asking until you do. This is very hard for me, I'm a very independent lady who likes to just take care of things myself because I already know how to do it right OR I don't even know what I need so I don't know what to tell people... I'm still working on this - just today I received an email from someone I haven't spoken to in roughly a decade and they offered to do anything they could to help us out. This is a tough one, besides prayers and a cure for cancer I don't really know what to say.

#6: Medical bills can bankrupt anyone. I didn't realize how blessed we are compared to some families dealing with cancer because we have good insurance that is paying 100% of JP's treatments at this point. We met our max out of pocket pretty fast and now we pay a $25 co-pay every time we go to the doctor's and a co-pay for all our prescriptions, but other than that the insurance pays it all. I am blown away with how big of a blessing that is - our insurance has paid over $80,000 so far and I know how stressful any portion of that could be on any marriage. Just one more reason I knew 3 years ago Josh needed to take the job here in Salt Lake, but I didn't know exactly why until now. One more reason to stay in-tune...

#7: I love Taylor Swift. She wrote a song, Ronan, about a little boy who lost his fight with cancer. It's from the perspective of his mother, and it really is so beautiful. I honestly haven't even heard the song in its entirety because about 20 seconds in I'm crying so hard I can't hear anything else. Anyway, I read through the lyrics and my heart just breaks because almost all of it could have been written by me, word for word, and that scares me. JP's prognosis is really great, but there is still that chance I could lose him. I do try not to focus on the teensy tiny negative possibilities but sitting up at night thoughts go through your mind and you can't believe you're thinking them but they've already been thought, you can't unthink them. Maybe that doesn't even make any sense... I am in the works to see a professional (don't judge me - remember?) because even though I honestly think I am handling things well and am having normal reactions to my son's cancer diagnosis, I still should probably talk it all out with someone who knows how to handle it, if it needs to be handled. Anyway, where I am going with this is here: watch the video if you can (http://youtu.be/1ITrd7fM6aY), or read the lyrics below. So beautiful.

Sidenote: I always tell JP I love him to the moon and back and the other day - not to be outdone - he said, "Mom, I love you to the moon and Finn McMissile and back!" and smiled so proudly because he knew I couldn't top that. :)

Ronan

I remember your bare feet down the hallway
I remember your little laugh
Race cars on the kitchen floor
Plastic dinosaurs, I love you to the moon and back

I remember your blue eyes looking into mine like we had our own secret club
I remember you dancing before bed time then jumping on me waking me up
I can still feel you hold my hand
Little man, from even that moment I knew
You fought it hard like an army guy
Remember I leaned in and whispered to you

Chorus:
Come on baby with me
We're gonna fly away from here
You were my best four years

I remember the drive home when the blind hope
Turned to crying and screaming, "Why?"
Flowers piled up in the worst way
No one knows what to say about a beautiful boy who died

And it's about to be Halloween
You could be anything you wanted if you were still here
I remember the last day when I kissed your face
I whispered in your ear

Come on baby with me
We're gonna fly away from here
Out of this curtained room in this hospital
We'll just disappear
Come on baby with me
We're gonna fly away from here
You were my best four years

What if I'm standing in your closet trying to talk to you?
What if I kept the hand me downs you won't grow into?
And what if I really thought some miracle would see us through?
But what if the miracle was even getting one moment with you

Come on baby with me
We're gonna fly away from here
Come on baby with me
We're gonna fly away from here
You were my best four years

I remember your bare feet down the hallway
I love you to the moon and back.

 

 

That's enough of my emotions for one night. Thanks for "listening."