No (bad) news please

How did another month go by between posts? Also, did you know Christmas is in a week? I feel like I'm always trying to catch up with everything - like my life is constantly running a few steps ahead of me and I can't ever catch up to it or slow it down. Sigh.

I love Christmas. I love that JP is so wrapped up in the magic of the season. We've seen Santa three times this year - first at jetBlue, second with Make A Wish on the Polar Express and third at our neighborhood Christmas breakfast. Each time he climbs up onto Santa's lap he quietly asks for "Star Wars Legos please." It is the cutest thing. He can be acting like a terrible toddler one minute and then I mention Santa and all of a sudden he's sweet as can be. He's usually sweet, but you know what I mean if you have/had a 3 year old. Two words: mood swings! Haha.

I can't even describe how stressed I feel. There's so much to do between now and Christmas, and there's also this cancer thing we have going on. Some days I feel completely fine and the only worries I have are trying to get everything done and other days I'm overwhelmed with so many different emotions. A few weeks ago I told Josh I think we need to "check out" for a while. By that I mean turn off the TV, not get on Facebook, not answer the phone, etc. and just hide out in our own little bubble where everything is fine. I've been feeling overwhelmed with sadness and difficult situations. A friend of mine lost her 21 month old little boy (not to cancer) right after Thanksgiving. I can't even express my sorrow for her - my heart aches so deeply I can't even find words. I am physically sick over it because it was completely out of the blue and I just can't imagine that kind of pain. I feel a lot of guilt for ever complaining/feeling bad for myself about our situation and JP's cancer because he is still here with me. I get to hold him, hug him and kiss him every single day. Even if this cancer does take his life, at least I still have some forewarning and have the different perspective to try and be more patient, loving and grateful. I don't even know if that makes sense, having guilt. But I feel it immensely.

And then there is the Newtown, CT shooting. I didn't dare turn on the TV or look at Facebook because as soon as I saw some news headlines briefly telling what happened I knew I couldn't handle details. I finally was able to read one article yesterday but not without tears. What kind of world are we raising our kids in? Again, feeling a lot of guilt that my son "just has cancer" but he's here with me. Those parents had no reason to believe that sending their children to school that day would be the last time they'd see them. I can. not. imagine. their sorrow. 

We also have 3 cancer friends who are currently relapsing which literally scares the hell out of me. How can I be so naive to think this is going to be fine and dandy, just like it has been going for the entire time? At some point it can't keep being the best case scenario for ALL. Or can it? I know they say bad things happen in 3's, but I feel like the last few weeks it's been some bad news every few days and my heart just keeps aching. 

JP is doing fine. There honestly is no reason for me to think otherwise. Yesterday he woke up with a cough, and I am pretty sure that's my fault. I've been fighting a cold for just over a week. I guess I'm surprised it took this long for him to catch it from me, but I'm also scared I made him sick and his body isn't going to be able to fight it. So far he seems fine, even though he had a low grade fever today (99.1). 

I just can't take any more bad news. Please feel free to text me happy things like people having babies or good Old Navy sales. I might just hibernate until all bad things are over.