Holland

Last weekend was General Conference (if you are not LDS you can learn more about our beliefs here) and President Uchtdorf gave a talk about darkness and how it simply can not exist in the presence of light. He said, "There may be some among you who feel darkness encroaching upon you. You may feel burdened by worry, fear, or doubt. To you and to all of us, I repeat a wonderful and certain truth: God’s light is real. It is available to all! It gives life to all things. It has the power to soften the sting of the deepest wound. It can be a healing balm for the loneliness and sickness of our souls. In the furrows of despair, it can plant the seeds of a brighter hope. It can enlighten the deepest valleys of sorrow. It can illuminate the path before us and lead us through the darkest night into the promise of a new dawn. This is “the Spirit of Jesus Christ,” which gives “light to every man that cometh into the world.”

I felt like he was talking to me. I worry. A lot. They say if the cancer is going to come back JP would start showing the same symptoms he originally had. That's kind of hard for us to go by since he really didn't have many symptoms except for little to no appetite. Unfortunately for us, he is a ridiculously picky eater so I'm always worried that maybe it's coming back. We put him on an appetite stimulant so at least now he's interested in eating but he's still very picky. I'm terrified that on one of these blood draws we are going to have bad news. I don't think that's me being pessimistic, I think it's the reality of being a cancer mom. The fear is so real. It's hard to make cancer friends and then say goodbye. I'm afraid that will never change. A cancer friend was laid to rest this morning and another cancer friend found out his tumor is growing and there aren't a lot of options left. I am trying to remember what President Uchtdorf said and, instead of waiting for someone to come along and flip on the light switch for me, I really am trying to focus more on the blessings we have been given during this time and the miracles we have been privy to. Deep breaths, it will be ok, the Lord is on our side.

Today I came across this little story. It is an excerpt from Running with Angels.

"When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip to Italy.  You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans:  The Coliseum.  The Michelangelo David.  The gondolas in Venice.  You learn some handy phrases in Italian.  It's all very exciting.


After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives.  You pack your bags and off you go.  Several hours later, the plane lands.  The stewardess comes in and says, Welcome to Holland. Holland?!?! you say.  What do you mean Holland??  I signed up for Italy!  I'm suppose to be in Italy.  All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy. But there's been a change in the flight plan.  They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease.  It's just a different place.


So you must go out and buy new guide books.  And you must learn a whole new language.  And you must meet a whole new group of people you would never have met. It's just a different place.  It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy.  But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills and Holland has tulips.  Holland even has Rembrandts. But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there.  And for the rest of your life, you will say,  Yes, that's where I was supposed to go.  That's what I had planned.


And the pain of that will never, ever,ever go away because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss. But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland."

I think this is very fitting. Except for having a baby, I like to think of this as my plan for life. In our "life plan" we were supposed to have 4 beautiful, healthy children (maybe just 3 if you ask Josh) that we were going to teach how to walk and talk, how to sing and dance, build science projects with, take on camping trips, vacations to Disneyland and watch them grow into perfectly healthy adults with a love for their Savior and determination and skills that would change the world. The thing is that Holland is our new normal and our new "life plan" now includes cancer. I will always live with the fear of relapse. I might also always have a heart attack if the thermometer ever reads 101.0. But we can still have all those other things too. Life is just as beautiful as I imagined it would be, I just didn't realize we'd take a few detours along the way. I am jealous that everyone else doesn't have to sanitize all the surfaces they come in contact with and that most everyone does not see a world full of germs wherever they go. It's not easy, but the Lord knew we could do it and we know we can if we look towards Him. We pray we will be able to empathize with those we have come to know in our group of cancer friends and help bless the lives of others along the way. There will be some sorrow along the way but that's the way it goes.